I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
COCAINE IS GR8
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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