does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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