I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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