Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
