Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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