During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
True college students do jello shots in the library
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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