I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
