Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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