Cold hands, warm shart.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
