Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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