Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
