gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Success! We fucked roommates!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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