Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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