Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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