I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
