areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
