Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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