oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize