he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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