Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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