I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
