I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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