Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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