Someone shit on the floor
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
