Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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