Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
