Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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