You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
