I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
