you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
