dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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