just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
