I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
