I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
