I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
