I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize