I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
