I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize