I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
