it hurts more in the daytime
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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