Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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