my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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