awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
