I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
