Me too!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
