Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
