Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
