Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize