You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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