I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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