I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
