Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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