Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
