I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
