Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
