i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
