Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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