just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
