you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
