note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
