I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
